statements

There are some words, statements, expressions that pierce your mind. Some of them hurts and make you feel empty, in a bad way. Others make you feel empty, in a good way.

There is nothing fake about you, you are so real, he said and I wanted to fall in love with him.

I did not.

My sentences are broken today. Too short. Too…

…they are…just too whatever.

I tend to speak, my mind stops and then I go on thinking that I should have done everything in a different way. Everything.

I start thinking about all the mistakes I have made, all the choices that lead me somewhere I was not supposed to be.

You are like a brunette version of Gwyneth Paltrow, she said, the same friend who calls me shingirmingir.

Shingirmingir is a Turkish word for the sound jewelery make.

…my sentences are not complete.

I am not complete.

I am afraid of being normal, I said.

He had a good laugh.

I have to write it down somewhere, that is such a good quote, he said, looked at me and smiled.

Once again; I wanted to fall in love with him.

The truth is that I could never be normal, even if I wanted to.

emerging chaos

The emerging chaos leads to explicitness.

I have the answer of all the questions I should be asking myself and yet I know that the questions are all lined up in front of me expecting to be answered one by one, I choose to wait a while in silence. Yes, I do know the answer and yes, you are right; it doesn’t make sense to wait.

Nothing in my life makes sense. I kinda like it that way.

this is fiction and this is how it goes:

I am a professional dancer and almost everything I need lies within the art of dance. To satisfy my other needs I have a lover, a guy who is also a dancer, and yes, since you are wondering; I somehow find someone who is not gay. Where was I? Well, yes, he understands the fact that there is room for only one love; dance. We are human, so we do fall in love even though we do not want to, and yes, we do hurt each other, we hurt each other so bad that we both become better dancers, because once your heart is broken your body and souls acts so much more passionately. You are desperately in need of art, you are desperately in need to express yourself and you start worshiping the beauty of pain.

Of course we stick together. We love the intoxication of the creation of love and hate side by side and we never even try to balance our feelings, because if we do, we will loose the physical balance while dancing, we will loose the balance to rationality.

Yes, fuck it, this is how it should be.

This is reality and this is how it goes:
He floats so divinely in black and sparkles along with the rhythm of the song I lost focus on. I had some difficulty following the choreography today and chose to step aside and watch him. I had a sip of my water; intoxicated I kept blaming myself for not being good enough and even more intoxicated I let my glowing eyes follow every inch of his body move so passionately to the rhythms.

My favorite word today: intoxication